Gross Sleeper

Whoa. Remember that one time when nothing happened for three months?

What can I say? I'm always on point with this blog business.

Speaking of points, I promise I have one.

Or many.

Lately, it's been midterms season, and my peers and I have been experiencing the wonders of sleep deprivation in solidarity.

Usually this practice is viewed pretty negatively. However, due to my vivaciously optimistic personality (or, more accurately, the delirious high a lack of rest has taken upon my mind), I'm seeing a lot of personal pros to this not sleeping business.

CAFFEINEEEE WHENEVER, WE'LL BE UP ANYWAY.

Actually, one of the grossest states you could ever find me in (and there are many) is sleeping. Just every single aspect of my sleeping persona is the worst it could possibly be. A foolproof prevention method? Not sleeping.

While this may not necessarily be recommended to apply to your life, just know that, the next time you're considering forcing alertness with some hydrogen peroxide in your eyes, somewhere out there... someone's doing so is making the world a little prettier.

Characteristics of the Ugly Sleeper

1. The Drool. Some people can tell you about their once-in-a-lifetime, near-death encounter. As impressive as this is meant to be, I'll have you know I basically evade death every night. With the volume of drool I produce, it's a wonder how I have not yet drowned in my sleep. How is it even possible for someone so consistently dehydrated to yield so much drool? Someone should fund this study, if they felt like disproving some laws of physics.

2. The Eyes. Being the object of intense jealousy, I receive many threats. Here would be a typical scenario:

Intensely jealous person: "Man, you're so worthy of intense jealousy. Better sleep with one eye open tonight."

Response: Indignant, but magnificent.

Being an overachiever when it comes to adapting for survival, my habits quickly adjusted to sleeping not with one, but two eyes open. Though it may have contributed to my longevity, it does nothing for my aesthetics (not that they need anything).

3. The Movement. Some people don't move once falling asleep. Others continue kicking and rolling even after restrained. I feel cats would like me so much more if this weren't such a stark reality. You would think this trait would lead to my sleeping only in large, open spaces, but that leads to my next point...

4. The Nonselectivity. I can fall asleep anywhere. In any position. At any point in the day.

Once, while going up the stairs, I stopped to pet a cat.

Next, I woke up on the stairs with cats on me, so who really won this situation??

Though counter-intuitive from this example, this particular characteristic actually does indeed lead to a few problems. Besides periodically being mistaken for having narcolepsy, it also gives opportunity for very compromising pictures. With the rise of the Facebook and the Snapchat and the Google, this has not worked in my favor. If I could be a private gross sleeper, that would be one thing. The reality is more like being consistently caught sleeping in the front row of class, sprawled out in a chair, hands in my pants, all on camera. Of course, complete with drool and open eyes.

There are other characteristics (e.g.: sleep excusing, sleep fighting, sleep death, sleep transpiring, etc.), but I feel those habits are pretty self-explanatory and mainly involve interactions with those sleeping around me. In other words, they're just little karma packages in return for the constant social media speculation I'm subjected to while unconscious.

However, despite all my qualms, I suppose my being an ugly sleeper is only for the best. It just wouldn't be fair to everyone to be so gosh darned good-looking all the time, would it?

Clippin' Up

Holy Mackerel. Nothing's been posted since last year. How did you survive through such an ordeal? Clearly, you're made of stronger stuff than the vast majority. Like three standard deviations away, baking using protein powder as a substitute for flour kind of stronger.

Go ahead. Reward yourself. You've earned it.

However, I do plan to redeem myself for this absence.

In fact, I'm pretty sure I'm about to redeem all afflictions I would have ever caused. Too bad that's never happened.

I'm about to solve something that's in your top 5 problems list. It's likely addressed in your New Year's Resolution. It could probably help you find true love. Or even better--a bucket of cats.

You're welcome.

Yes, here you have it: a solution to all those bobby pins you're always losing.

You buy a thousand bobby pins at a time. You've bought hundreds of thousands, of millions in your lifetime. With this economy, you've considered getting a stable job at the Bobby Pin Factory, since you've long realized that it's the only sure-fire business that will never suffer at any period in history because of consumers such as yourself. Plus, with all you'd save from the employee discount, you'd be likely to be able to finally afford all the pins that you ever needed.

Except there's no such thing as all pins that you ever needed. You always need more.

Because bobby pins are evil. Have you ever met a Bobby? Me neither. But he's probably evil. That one kid in your group project, never around at the time he's needed, but still manages to creep into your life, into your hair, probably always getting tangled in twine and hanging grapevines. He falls, but he never breaks his hip. Instead, he just disappears until you've already replaced his friendship. When you look for him, desperate, if he's lurking about, he's rusty, he's bent, he's... confident. Confident that you'll always need him. That you'll always come crawling back.

Fun fact: Bobby only gets acne on the right side of his face (not pictured). Also, his right arm is always bent in the "skinny arm" pose.

But no more. Because you know what's always around, even when Bobby isn't?

Binder clips.

Binder clips are always there for you, even when you aren't there for them. Binder clips are your friends, your allies, your new heroes.

Binder clips have always slaved away, solely hidden in the workplace. Not anymore. They've broken down those cubicle walls and will soon emerge on the streets, on the runways, on you.

Though this model would suggest otherwise, they're not just for the prettiest girl in school. Any beard aficionados? Where Dumbledore dons a rubber band, you sport a binder clip.

Clipsters..

Soon, you'll find you'll also sport the label of "Most Likely to Succeed if They Hadn't Already Succeeded."

In fact, the versatility of the binder clip is basically endless. The personification of fashion, it has no restrictions. Its potential is only limited by your ability to use it.

The workings of the nose clip are a mystery.

So, this year, go forth, be merry, and use a binder clip.

Or at least something really close to one.

Greetings and Stuff

Why, hello there.

I've successfully used this countless times to pick up the ladies. I hope it is working on you as well.

Of course, they get the real deal, not just a picture. Indeed, being the zenith of image manipulation, Ms. Paint can improve a lot of things, but let's try not to expect too much of her when we're already dealing with perfection.

In any case, welcome, my friends. I'll be posting things and stuff about my life. Or lies my thoughts make about my life. Pictures will accompany them, so, never fear, there'll be more of the above to come.

I'll be seeing you again.