Gross Sleeper

Whoa. Remember that one time when nothing happened for three months?

What can I say? I'm always on point with this blog business.

Speaking of points, I promise I have one.

Or many.

Lately, it's been midterms season, and my peers and I have been experiencing the wonders of sleep deprivation in solidarity.

Usually this practice is viewed pretty negatively. However, due to my vivaciously optimistic personality (or, more accurately, the delirious high a lack of rest has taken upon my mind), I'm seeing a lot of personal pros to this not sleeping business.

CAFFEINEEEE WHENEVER, WE'LL BE UP ANYWAY.

Actually, one of the grossest states you could ever find me in (and there are many) is sleeping. Just every single aspect of my sleeping persona is the worst it could possibly be. A foolproof prevention method? Not sleeping.

While this may not necessarily be recommended to apply to your life, just know that, the next time you're considering forcing alertness with some hydrogen peroxide in your eyes, somewhere out there... someone's doing so is making the world a little prettier.

Characteristics of the Ugly Sleeper

1. The Drool. Some people can tell you about their once-in-a-lifetime, near-death encounter. As impressive as this is meant to be, I'll have you know I basically evade death every night. With the volume of drool I produce, it's a wonder how I have not yet drowned in my sleep. How is it even possible for someone so consistently dehydrated to yield so much drool? Someone should fund this study, if they felt like disproving some laws of physics.

2. The Eyes. Being the object of intense jealousy, I receive many threats. Here would be a typical scenario:

Intensely jealous person: "Man, you're so worthy of intense jealousy. Better sleep with one eye open tonight."

Response: Indignant, but magnificent.

Being an overachiever when it comes to adapting for survival, my habits quickly adjusted to sleeping not with one, but two eyes open. Though it may have contributed to my longevity, it does nothing for my aesthetics (not that they need anything).

3. The Movement. Some people don't move once falling asleep. Others continue kicking and rolling even after restrained. I feel cats would like me so much more if this weren't such a stark reality. You would think this trait would lead to my sleeping only in large, open spaces, but that leads to my next point...

4. The Nonselectivity. I can fall asleep anywhere. In any position. At any point in the day.

Once, while going up the stairs, I stopped to pet a cat.

Next, I woke up on the stairs with cats on me, so who really won this situation??

Though counter-intuitive from this example, this particular characteristic actually does indeed lead to a few problems. Besides periodically being mistaken for having narcolepsy, it also gives opportunity for very compromising pictures. With the rise of the Facebook and the Snapchat and the Google, this has not worked in my favor. If I could be a private gross sleeper, that would be one thing. The reality is more like being consistently caught sleeping in the front row of class, sprawled out in a chair, hands in my pants, all on camera. Of course, complete with drool and open eyes.

There are other characteristics (e.g.: sleep excusing, sleep fighting, sleep death, sleep transpiring, etc.), but I feel those habits are pretty self-explanatory and mainly involve interactions with those sleeping around me. In other words, they're just little karma packages in return for the constant social media speculation I'm subjected to while unconscious.

However, despite all my qualms, I suppose my being an ugly sleeper is only for the best. It just wouldn't be fair to everyone to be so gosh darned good-looking all the time, would it?